A tradition broken, but a new one begins....

This Christmas was the first Christmas that I was not going to be at my dad's house on Christmas morning.  (There might have been 1 other Christmas morning when Shannon and I were dating or first married but I feel like we opened gifts on Xmas Eve, but left Christmas morning).  Nonetheless, for the last 30 years of my life, I have spent Christmas morning at "home home" (aka my dad's house).  It felt weird to not be there and quite frankly, a bit sad to know a tradition I have grown to love, come to an end.  But,it was a bittersweet ending because, to be sitting on our floor Christmas morning with our son, starting our own tradition with Cam, was a wonderful tradition in the making. 

Cam was 19 weeks this Christmas, so the tradition was nothing for the books.  I'm sure next year will be more entertaining, with a "tradition" of breakfast, music, Christmas movies, and an early morning gift opening agenda.   A 4 month old can't open gifts, although we did put the gifts in his lap and he would reach for the paper.  We would also get him to grab the paper and then tear it open for him.  He liked the noise and the colorful wrapping paper.  Cameron was beyond spoiled by his grandparents and parents.  We have already taken a large chunk of toys to the basement for later use.  I love watching my dad with him.  He is such a proud granddad to his first grandchild.  It really is precious.  It's also hard to take him away from grandparents & aunts/uncles that don't get to see him much, but we like to keep him on his 3 hr routine so when its nap time, it's nap time.  I just wish we had more family time with both sides. Why can't there be more hours in the day!?  

With my family living about 3 hour West of here (Owensboro) and Shannon's family living about 2 hours Northeast here (Vanceburg), it becomes a bit hectic and less enjoyable. We feel like we are rushing through family visits, only to be on the road for most of the holiday.  We haven't come up with the "best" solution to what we plan to do the years to come, but we both agree we want less chaos. 

Here are some of Cam's "Professional" Christmas pictures.  I'll add some from the holiday in the next few days to a separate post. 

Terrible Mom moment...

So I finally had a "terrible mom" moment a few weeks ago....or should I say, the time came and I'm sure it will come again, but it might have been the worse feeling in the world.

It was Tuesday (12/13) during my Surgery rotation week, which meant I was in clinic all day.  A typical 9-5 day full of pre- and post- op patients, no worries, right!?  I dropped Cam off at daycare around 8:30a....so given the 10 hour rule, I knew he needed to be picked up by 6:30, but that was OK...because I'm usually done with my clinic days by 4:30-5p and daycare closes at 6pm.  Well, it just so happened, that Dr. Page was on-call this Tuesday and said we would round on patients right when we started (when I got there that morning) as well as at the end of the day.  He even said that I didn't have to round with him, if I didn't want to.  But my overzealous self, was more than thrilled to do rounds with him.  I love learning.  I love that I'm in love with the medical field.  I love that I chose to make a HUGE career change, even though it required me to go "balls to the walls" back to school.  (Yes, I just used that quote....don't hate!).

So, the day ended and off to the hospital we went.  I was enjoying my time, but knew I had to pick Cam up since Mon and Tues are days that Shannon commutes to Louisville. It just wasn't setting in, that there was a correlation between me leaving work and picking up Cam BEFORE daycare closed at 6pm.  I was even showing a fellow friend pictures of Cam 15min prior to this episode, so it's not like I "forgot" about him.  I guess working in the hospital makes you forget the time, since it never closes.  IDK.  

Well, I get a text from Shannon saying he was just leaving Lville, heading home.  Well, I texted back saying I was still at work.   He writes "where's Cam" and I wrote back, just as nonchalant as ever, "still at daycare" (thinking, "well duh, where would he be, if we're both working")....then he calls me.....my heart starts racing because everything starts to surface...he "informs" me (for lack of better words...) that it is 6:05 and daycare closed at 6:00 and our son was still there and its like $5 per minute we're late.  I hang up, flustered, heart pounding, emotions running wild....I start to think how terrible I am for not paying more attention to the time and for leaving Cam at daycare that long.....then the tears start....I look at my preceptor (who is waiting for me to go see our next patient) and start crying, saying I'm a terrible mother and have to go.....he got the jest and was very nice and told me to go.  I cried the entire way to get Cam.....it was an emotional drive, which felt like a lifetime.    I kept telling myself, "I didn't forget about him, I just didn't think I was pushed for time" .....I guess I honestly thought I had all the time in the world, and that the daycare doesn't close.  I think, I am definitely my own worse enemy.  But, by the time I got there, it was 6:30 and the manager and his lead specialist were waiting in the lobby with him.  I burst through the doors, in tears, of course, reaching for him.  He was smiling and having a good ole time with Ms. Nekisa.  Didn't seem too bothered by the fact, he had been there for 10 hours and that I was late and that the daycare had closed.

THANK GOODNESS he is too young to realize all that.  The next morning, my preceptor said, "oh don't worry, this is just the first of many "terrible mom' moments.....so get ready"

How in the world am I going to ever "get ready" for moments like that!?!  It was a terrible, terrible, terrible, draining 30 minutes for me.  What's going to happen when I truly do "forget" him at school one day......  I guess this is the first of many motherhood moments....

Hodge Podge of thoughts....

I can't believe I've let a full month slip by and neglected to write anything.  Time flies anymore.  So this post is going to be a hodge-podge of my thoughts, ideas, Cam and Kneesa updates, and such since my last post (Cam's 3mo -11/16/11).  


1) 11/18/11- My ER rotation EOC exam.  I was very apprehensive about passing this exam, given my lack of studying, but thankfully, I passed with room to spare!  Successful rotation, educational learning experience, and one more closer to graduation!

2) 11/21/11- My Surgery rotation started with Dr. Page at Lexington Surgeons/Central Baptist Hospital in Lexington.  The 4 weeks with Dr. Page was very educational and rewarding.  I enjoyed surgery.  I liked how he had 2 days of clinic (pre/post op patients) and 3 days of surgeries; not to mention better hours (half days!).  While I would only be "First Assisting" as a PA, I do enjoy surgery.  I'm just not sure it's for me.  I have actually enjoyed, and hated to leave, each rotation I've done thus far (Internal Med, ER, and Surgery), but I haven't had the "spark" when I knew it was for me..... I'm still waiting for that moment.  I'm thinking it will be Women's Health or Derm....but we shall see. 

3) 11/24- Smith Thanksgiving in Owensboro.  I love spending time with family and seeing my extended family.  I don't go home enough (only a couple times a year) so I try to soak up as much time as I can, when we do go.  Thanksgiving is always at grandma Smith's house.  Alot of my relatives hadn't met Cam yet, so it was fun to introduce him to his "Smith side".  We enjoyed the quick, yet quality time we had with Cam's great grandma, his granddad (well dad said he hasn't decided what he wants to be called yet) and grandma Smith  and his aunt and uncle, Megan & Raymond and of course, he "played" with his cousin, Hudson.  Sweet Hud kept telling us to "let go of him so he will play with me" ...love his heart!  It was a good time. 

5) 11/25- Hord Thanksgiving in Lexington.  This year, we had Thanksgiving at Todd (Shannon's brother)'s house instead of in Vanceburg, where Shannon's parents live.  The girls (Madison & Morgan) now have a PT job and had to work that weekend so it was easier for all of us to gather in Lexington.  Cam's cousins, Nick and Frank were entertaining, as usual; and it was nice to spend time with the immediate in-laws. Cam's mammaw and papaw love spending time with him. I am very blessed to be a part of a close-knit, loving family. 

6) 11/30 - After waiting a long time (like 1 year long), I finally got to pick up my T-shirt quilt that this lady was working on for me.  I already have one T-shirt quilt so when I picked this one up, to my surprise it was an actual quilt, stitching over each t-shirt.  (Much better quality than the one I had previously had made - my alpha gam quilt).  This one is a hodge podge of t-shirts from races, sorority, Shannon's fraternity, etc. 

7) 12/1-12/4 - Thurs -Sun was spent with friends.  Yes, I know...instead of studying, I chose to give my time to some dear friends and much needed, at that.  Thursday was a "Galls Girls Night" at Shamrocks.  A group of us use to meet monthly and with time, stopped doing it.  So we (Toni, Dani, SuJo, Whit, Mags, Kim and myself) reunited with our night out and momma had 2 woodchucks (her old time fav, regardless of the >200cal per drink). Friday was spent visiting Nami, Robert and new baby Kiran for a quick visit.  Saturday was an Alpha Gamma Delta Alumni Cookie Exchange, which was nice and Sunday, Whitney came and took "3.5mo" pictures of Cam.   Great few days with some great people in my life!! Blessed!!

 

8) 12/7- My appt with DAK to excise my atypical nevus on my arm and a dermatofibroma on my back.  I'm very glad I noticed this changing mole, and got it removed.  Path report shows they removed it all. Please get checked yearly!

9) 12/16-My little man turned 4 months old!  What a big boy.  He melts my heart.  He rolls from back to front and front to back, he holds his head up well, sits up and stands with assistance, talks all the time, loves to play with toys..well put them in his mouth and drool on them and anything that he can get into his mouth.  

This day was also my Surgery EOC exam day.  It was a handwritten test, so I still don't know my grade...let's just hope I passed.  I always manage to procrastinate, stress, then cram.  Luckily, I've always passed.  Maybe I do know more than I think I do. 

10) Currently (12/20)-
   Cam is sick.  He's had a snotty nose before, but this is the first time he's down and out.  He's listless, cranky, and you can tell his throat hurts because when he cries, there's no noise.  He's full of snot and coughing.  I was concerned he might be getting RSV, considering there's been 2 cases at daycare in his room.  Thank goodness, it's just an upper respiratory virus going around. Love his heart.  I'm so glad I'm off so I can keep him home with me.
   Kneesa had her repeat chest x-ray today.  They said there was a slight improvement (but not much) but it's better than the 3 infiltrates getting worse.  She believes we should monitor this by repeating the CXR and Echo every 3-4 months or sooner if K develops any signs/symptoms indicative of a cancer.  It makes me sick to think that there is still the possibility of this becoming my worse fear.  I just can't let myself think of that, because I will drive myself to insanity.  My heart believes she will die of old age, on her own will and not for another 10 years......  She will be 9yr in Jan and I'm pushing for 20yr.  I can have it no other way.  I can't imagine my life without her.  It's my worse nightmare.

My babies this morning...Kneesa must have known Cam was sick...so she thought laying on him would help. 

11) My new favorite drink- sparkling non-alcoholic flavored grape juice!! YUM-O!! (And S'mores)...given the fact I can eat whatever I want and still manage to be 5lb less than pre-pregnancy weight...gotta love breastfeeding!!  And yes, I now have over 800 oz frozen.  :)

Well, that's it, in a (long) nutshell.   I have 2 weeks off and start my Pediatric rotation with Dr. Hutchinson (Cam's Pediatrician) on 1/2/12.  Looking forward to that one, he is a wonderful doctor.

Cam- 3mo old

11/16/11 - Cam turned 3 months old.  The developmental growth is unbelievable in just 3 short months.  His personality is shining through.  He's a happy baby, loves attention and loves napping on daddy's chest. Having a boy, we knew we were going to get urinated on, and boy were we right....his first month was bad.  Peed on us, peed on the changing table, on the bed, on the floor, all over him...everywhere.  So to say I've been peed, pooped and puked on is almost a reward.  HA.  Daddy finally can say he's had all 3 happen to him, diaper change was going on the other night and the poo kept coming.  You can't help but laugh. 

He has always been alert, but he tracks your movements now, recognizes our voices and looks for us when we talk; he loves football, fans, lights and windows; he loves his hands and will constantly suck or play with them; he's found his tongue and will "chew" on it; he giggles when you tickle him; loves his zebra on his activity mat and will try to grab at it; laughs a lot more now; has such a big smile; sits in his bumbo seat, and the best- he rolled over on 11/14/11.  I actually got it on video and was not expecting him to do it.  Once I get them on vimeo (thanks Jen and Jason), I'll upload them! 

I'm just so blessed with this precious baby boy.  I love him more and more as the days continue to pass by us.  He is truly amazing in every way.  God is GOOD!


Here are his 3mo old pictures:

Side note....skype is just great.  I got to chat with Kelly and Emily today, who are in Africa for 8 weeks doing their PA clinical rotations as well as Melanie, in Germany, whom I've been friends with for 16 years!  We met through a pen-pal exchange system freshman year in high school and have remained friends and visited each other multiple times.  We were just talking about how it's my turn to come there....maybe that will be my graduation gift from PA school.  hehe :o)

When it rains, it pours.....

Kneesa Update:  Her fungal titer is not back yet. Doc is hoping to know something by tomorrow, when I called yesterday to ask about it. She said she feels that is a good sign though, saying that they must be having a hard time trying to grow any fungus if it's taking this long, but we'll wait and see.

She said that if the titer comes back negative, we have a few options as our "next step".

Since Kneesa has not shown any signs or symptoms that would resemble a sickness, disease or infection, she believes we should not go aggressively towards a diagnosis. I, on the other hand, can not handle just leaving it in the open but I will try my best especially considering K doesn't seem to think anything is wrong.

Doc said we could:
1) Just repeat the chest x-ray in 2-4 weeks and see if we see any changes regarding the infiltrates in the hilar region of her lung. If there are no changes, we will not do anything unless Kneesa shows S&S that would indicate a new x-ray is needed.

2) Be referred to an Internal Med Specialist in Louisville for a possible biopsy of the area. If this involved cracking open her chest, I'm not sure how comfortable I'd be with that. Who knows the cost of this option although a second opinion might be worth just a consultation. 

3) They have a CT machine there that would give a better picture of the shape/size/density of the infiltrates but she would have to undergo anesthesia and it's $1500 that could still potentially not give us a definite answer.

She said in her honest, medical opinion she would choose #1. She said she would tell me if she truly thought it was necessary to do #2 or 3 this soon in the ballgame. So it looks like we'll wait for the titer to come back and if it's negative, do a repeat CXR in a few weeks. If no changes, we will continue on with our lives until something comes up. Shannon likes that choice anyhow (given it's the cheapest option of the bunch). NOW.....I'm not sure if it's my Type A personality, my medical background or just because it's 'my dog'....but I will admit that it is going to be difficult for me to just pretend everything is fine not having a true answer/diagnosis regardless if Kneesa seems perfectly fine. Every cough, whine, puke, or diarrhea spell is going to make me question some disease state progressing, but I will try my best to believe in the Vet and have faith my KK isn't going anywhere, anytime soon.

Thanks for all the prayers and just to be on the safe side, you might as well make it one of your nightly prayers if you don't mind! ;o)
To add to the pot....that same horrid day (Friday 11/11/11) I had a Derm appt because I noticed a changing nevus (mole) on my arm.  It seemed darker and a bit scaly.  She removed it and sent it off...and said she would call if it was not normal, but mail a letter if it came back OK.   So, again, my stress level was up and anxiety would have taken over had I not had my mind on Kneesa and trying to find a way to study for my ER exam that is on 11/18.  Well today (11.17) my phone rings "DAK-PA-C Braye Rueff" .......   ohh great!  She informed me it was just atypical so not to worry, but with atypical moles, they always choose to completely excise the entire thing.  Looks like another appointment for complete removal to prevent melanoma from creeping up. 

And talk about stress.....12hour shifts in the ER....in Morehead....with the commute.....4 12hr a week...equals sheer exhaustion.  I have a max of 4hours being home (awake) on those days to shower, unpack/repack food, breast pump accessories, make bottles for the next day, eat, walk K and try to fit some QT with Cam and some type of quick convo with the honey...so where does that leave studying? Ummm crammed into the weekend.  Maybe...but I always seem to have something going on or I'm so exhausted, I'd rather sleep and spend it with Cam.  So now, I'm at T-minus 24 hours until exam time and I'm freaking out. 

So far being 31 just hasn't had it's glory except for the fact Cam turned 3 months on 11/16. (I'll do another post since this is getting a bit wordy).  Maybe 2012 will be a better part of my 31th year alive.  I should say I am thankful to be alive, healthy, faith in God, with a roof over my head, a vehicle, and a family I love.  I suppose those are blessings that should never be overlooked.   

Here's to finding the best in the worst....and not making a mountain out of a mole hill.   Bring it on world, I am a Type A, multi-tasking, very organized gal that can handle it.....(with a few minor breakdowns along the way).   ;o)

30 races While I'm 30 ....check!

I meant to post this a while back, but with my ER rotation consuming most of my week days and Cam/Kneesa consuming my weekends, I just didn't have time besides a quick post to FB. 

I'm quite proud of myself for accomplishing a goal I set forth and all the while being pregnant.  I am such a "cross it off my list" kind of gal so this was such a great feeling to say I've done this all by myself.  Running is one activity that only involves you.  Of course other runners are motivation, but what you do (your time, your distance, you crossing that finish line) is an accomplishment/high only you can feel and enjoy.  It is a very addicting sport and I'm ready start training for my first full marathon.   I've already done 6 or 7 half marathons and I wasn't able to do any long distance runs this year so the training for 1 or 2 halfs and a full are on my near-future, before I get pregnant again list!! 

Here are all my races:

November 12, 2010 - November 12, 2011

1) 11/14/10 ALS 5K- Lexington, KY
2) 11/20/10 Turkey Strut 5K -Nicholasville, KY
3) 12/4/10 Jingle Bell Jog 5K - Stanford, KY
4) 12/11/10 Reindeer Ramble 5K - Lexington, KY
          **found out I was pregnant**
5) 01/01/11 Resolution Run 5K - Winchester, KY
6) 02/05/11 Reindeer Romp 4K - Louisville, KY
7) 02/12/11 Heart, Sole & Glove 5K - Lexington, KY
8) 03/05/11 Run for the Hill 5K - Lexington, KY
9) 03/13/11 Shamrock n' Roll 5K - Atlanta, GA
10) 3/19/11 Race to Read 5K - Lexington, KY
11) 4/03/11 AVOL Walk 2mi - Lexington, KY
12) 4/09/11 Dash for Dan 5K - Lexington, KY
13) 5/07/11 Thin Mint 1mi Fun Run-Lexington, KY
14) 5/07/11 Titan Trot 1mi Fun Run-Lexington, KY
15) 5/14/11 LHS 2K Mutt Strutt -Lexington, KY
16) 5/20/11 Pro Active for Life 5K -Frankfort, KY
17) 5/28/11 KY Children’s Hospital 5K -Lexington, KY
18) 6/4/11 SEAS Run for the Nun 5K -Lexington, KY
19) 6/18/11 Run for Glory 5K - Lexington, KY
20) 7/16/11 Bluegrass State Games 5K -Nicholasville, KY
21) 7/23/11 Run 4 Recovery 1mi -Lexington, KY
22) 7/30/11 Fox 56 5K -Lexington, KY
23) 8/6/11 MidSummer Night's Run 5K - Lexington, KY
         ****Cameron's birthday via C-sec was 8/16****
24) 10/1/11 CASA Run For Kids' Sake 5K - Lexington, KY
25) 10/8/11 Chick-Fil-A UKPA 5K - Lexington, KY
26) 10/15/11 Susan G Komen Race for the Cure 5K - Lexington, KY
27) 10/16/11 DanceBlue For the Kids 5K - Lexington, KY
28) 10/22/11 Steps For Pets 1mi - Georgetown, KY
29) 10/29/11 Run for Refuge 5K- Lexington, KY
30) 11/5/11 Victory 5K - Lexington, KY

And sweet Shannon had these waiting for me when I got home from my 30th race!!!  :o)

So what's the big deal.....

with 11/11/11....UGH!  
I might have liked this date but given the type of day I ended up having, it definitely goes down on the books as one of the worse days I will remember. 

I was off from my ER rotation and I thought I'd spend it studying, being with Cam and Kneesa and making it great since my 31st birthday was the following day.  I had accomplished a goal (post to come later) before my 31st and I was proud to enjoy this weekend. 

Boy, was I wrong....Kneesa had a grooming appointment at 8am....off she goes (which she hates) and I'm back home to study....well hang with Cam.  I ran to Kroger around 12p, patiently waiting for the groomer at Sheabel to call for me to come get K.  Low and behold, my phone rings.  It's some new vet MD (Dr Lynch left and Kneesa's replacement doc-Dr Jude, that we've met a few times, was on vaca hence my frustration, aggravation, and anger in regards to some new vet telling me this over the phone) calling to inform me she looked at her ears (which I requested) and she indeed had an ear infection but she also wanted to discuss with me a new finding.  She informed me that Kneesa has a new onset heart murmur (at least it was never charted in the 9.5yr of her life spent at Sheabel).  While she is "dumbing down" the explanation, not knowing my medical background, I am silently crying on the other end.  Yes, I know some heart murmurs are innocent.  But when it comes to my dog....everything goes out the door.  My knowledge is hidden in the background and my mind starts envisioning the 'worse case scenarios"....finally this newly graduated Vet asks if I understand and realized I had been crying.  She was apologetic but that didn't stop the flood gates.  She asked permission to do X-rays and an Echo, told me the prices and of course I agreed.  I sat in the Kroger parking lot hysterically crying and called Shannon.  Luckily, he was working from home so I just needed to make it back to the house. 

I proceeded to cry the rest of the day.  My life with K dog flashing before me....my possible life without K in the future.....it was just too unbearable to comprehend.  The Vet said she would call me back within a few minutes because she wanted to call the Echo doc to make sure he could come to Sheabel and do the test that day.  WELL,  she obviously doesn't know me because after 2 hours passed and I had not gotten a phone call, I dialed up Sheabel and informed the front desk that "this new grad promised to call me back but has yet to do so..."  (Did I mention my obsession with Kneesa....yes, they must cater to me). 

Another hour passed and around 3:30 that day (so NO studying has gotten done at this point....only tears) the phone rings.  She apologized (again) about not calling me back and wanted to discuss the results.  She stated the x-ray and echo on Kneesa's heart showed no clinical pathology at this point so she is not necessarily worried with that for now.  She said they will continue to watch it though since it's a new onset murmur but no medication is necessary.  She said there was a tiny bit of regurg in the pulmonary valve but nothing of big concern. Which is good.....BUT......   (ohh that's all I wanted to hear was that word..."BUT"),  they found 3 small spots located between her heart and lungs that the radiologist reported "needs further investigation".   She stated it could simply be a fungal infection....or calcification due to age...both of which are benign, but the bigger issue is the fact they could be tumors.  OPEN FLOOD-GATES.......  She asked if she could do some blood work to check her CBC/CMP as well as a fungal titer.  She said the titer would take a few days and she would call me as soon as the results came back. 

Needless to say, 11/11/11 SUCKED, for lack of better words.  My world has revolved around Kneesa bear for the last 9.5 years of my life.  She entered my world the year I graduated college and has been with me through ALOT since 2002.  She accepted and loves Shannon and Cameron and together we make one happy family.  To me, she's still a young pup.  I had Shannon go with me to pick her up because I just knew I'd lose it again (which I did).  Dr. Etison showed us the X-rays and explained everything again before we got to see my sweet angel.  She also said (unrelated to this issue) to not feed her human food anymore unless its carrots or plain grilled chicken so that her pancreas remains in good condition.  Are you kidding me lady!?  My dog is too high maintenance and will not eat carrots.  She snuffs her nose to day old sausage, seriously.   Like she's going to eat a freaking carrot when she gets her own McDonald's cheeseburger when daddy gets them lunch.  Oh, and the stupid vet put "senior physical exam"--  excuse me; please do NOT refer to my dog child as a "senior".  She is NOT.  I honestly can't imagine my life without her.  I do know there will be the time that she won't be here, but I need many more years with her.  I'm just not emotionally ready to lose my 'first child' anytime soon.

On Saturday, Dr Etison (the same new grad doc) called me while I was waiting for my deep tissue birthday massage to inform me her CBC & CMP came back perfectly normal.  She's still waiting for the fungal titer.  I said "I know that's good...but part of me wanted it to show something so that we know it's an easy fix...because if everything keeps coming back normal....what's left in the differential diagnosis but the worse case....".  She understood where I was coming from (by this point in time she knew I had a medical background and I'd do anything for Kneesa) and suggested to me that let's wait for the fungal titer and then we can go from there but either a referral to an Internal Med Specialist or possibly just doing repeat X-rays in a month to see if there's any changes considering Kneesa isn't showing ANY signs or symptoms of being 'sick'. 

So, here I am waiting.......  for those of you reading this, please keep Kneesa in your prayers that everything comes back OK and this is not a tumor or something that will take her away from me.  I know that's being selfish, but I need her....I want her to be around Cam growing up and to meet our other children we have and to continue being that sweet angel girl of mine that I love unconditionally for almost 10 years now.....please...please pray for her.  

So here's a recent picture and video of Cam and Kneesa. She loves her brother.  :o)

(video to come later.....need to size it down)

 

I LOVE me some KK and Cam-a-lam!!!      

Ode to one of my fav holidays

I'm just now writing this post in honor of Halloween.  During the week, I don't have much time to spend at home with Cam, sleep, study so writing has been put on the back burner.  I started my last post 3 weeks ago and posted it a few days ago so you can see the delay and the need to backtrack. 

ODE TO HALLOWEEN, one of my favorite holidays!!

I say it's a favorite, although in actuality, it would best be described as the "most fun" holiday for me.  My favorites are Christmas and Thanksgiving for the sheer fact of getting to see all the extended family on both sides, even if it's semi-chaotic traveling from one side of KY to the other.  I love seeing my family and Shannon's as well.  Family has always and will always remain a staple in my life.  I grew up spending an abundant amount of time with my cousins at my grandma's house and I want the same for Cameron.  Although we will have to juggle the issue of living in a different town from both sets of his grandparents and most of his aunts/uncles/cousin, I believe he will understand the importance and love of God and family. 

But, back to Halloween, it makes me feel like a child again.  I get to dress up, go to parties with other costume lovers, pass out candy to sweet children (although some these days can be rude/demanding in their candy wants), eat candy at all hours of the day (because it's totally acceptable as an adult to eat a tootsie roll at 9am if I've already eaten breakfast and "want" to get rid of all the left over candy) and this year, I was going to get to dress my son up for his first holiday.   Kneesa is probably jumping for joy that I have someone else to force into a costume!  We decided on having matching family costumes this year.  It sounded perfect.  I was stoked and ready for the purchase.  Star Wars!!  Although Kneesa was named after a female Ewok....she no longer looks like one (it's more of Falcor these days) so she was going to be Princess Leia, Cam was going to be Yoda, Shannon- a Jedi and myself, R2D2 ...(Shannon said that's a good one for me since I'm short! hardy har har).   I had been emailing friends, making plans and ready for a good time!

Much to my dismay, my ER schedule required me to work on Halloween from 12:30p-12:30a.  I was crushed!!  Not only did I not get to dress up, but I didn't get to spend Cameron's first holiday with him dressed up.  I wanted to pout and act childish about it all day, instead I put my big girl panties on and made the best of what we had (Halloween outfit for Cam to wear to daycare and an orange top for me to wear to work).  So, off I take him to daycare and notice a big note on the front door "Today is Halloween PJ day"  ....you see Shannon picks Cam up during the days I work 1230-1230 and "someone" didn't read the sign on the door informing parents, so Mr. Cam was not in his PJs.  Poor kid is going to be "that child" that never knows what's going on because his parents didn't read the bulletin!  

I guess we will save our Star Wars outfits for next year.  At least I'll actually have a "real" job by then and surely I won't have to work.  I say surely, because I don't want to jinx it.  :o)

The wheels are back in motion

Monday, Oct 24th was a new day of adventure, challenges, hopes and fears.  This was the day I was returning to my clinical rotations for PA school and Cameron was starting daycare.
The week prior to that, Cam and I took a trip (as in the half mile from our house) to get acquainted with the staff and infant room where Cam will be spending a great deal of his daily life, at least until we move to Louisville. I truly like Creation Kingdom.  It's Christian based, fairly new and they have a webcam service that is available during operating hours to view the room of your child.  For $205/wk, it better be awesome!!!  Nonetheless, we spent about 45min each day there.  I will say it wasn't the most pleasant experience, because as a mother of a child who is about to start, I was scrutinizing everything.  (Oh, that girl has a runny nose, that kid just spit up and it's on the floor in which Cam might lay, that kid is drooling all over that book and Cam might put it in his mouth after that.....you see it all.)  I reminded myself that the facility is clean and it's just part of the game going to daycare.  I did, however, chat with the teachers, whom are very friendly.  I expressed my only negative thought to daycare (ie 'the working mom') is that my child will be spending more time with "strangers" than with me during the week and how I'd hate to know he reaches all his developmental milestones with them, not me.  She informed me that they do not tell the parents when the child does certain things (ie sit up, roll over, first word, first step) so that the mother always believes it happens for them.  Makes sense I suppose...

That Friday afternoon I was emailed my clinical rotation confirmation that was to start the following Monday.  Much to my surprise it was Emergency Medicine.  ER at St Claire Hospital in Morehead was not what I was expecting, mainly because my ER rotation was already confirmed for UofL in April.  ER is one of those rotations I've been dreading.  I am a clinic girl.  I enjoy 8-5 (not 12hr shifts)  and a calm atmosphere in which I get to develop a medical relationship with my patients.  The fear of the dealing with the worst accidents and being thrown into chaos was somewhat frightening.  I do believe that having ER in Morehead could actually be a blessing in disguise for the sheer fact that it is a small town hospital, unlike the trauma level at UofL.  So I braced myself and was ready for the challenge.  I've seen a variety of illnesses, some true emergencies, some just scares and I've been able to do procedures/suture that will help with all other rotations so I welcome the ER for the great learning experience!!!!

Monday AM came and went.  The first week came and went.  I am now at the halfway point on this ER rotation and enjoying it.  I don't love it, but I know this is a great place for practice and for learning a broad level of pertinent information.  Cam seems to enjoy daycare and I love reading the reports that are sent home daily.  He already has artwork hanging on the frig (see last picture below)!!!! 

He's already 11 weeks old (11/1) and it's hard to believe my 31st birthday and his 3 month old "birthday" is in the next week or so!

Here's a few pix:

Has it really been 2 months?

Aug 16- Oct 16....yup it's been 2 months!  Crazy how time flies especially when you're absorbed in a little special someone!! 

At first it was hard to see him growing since I'm with him everyday but NOW....to compare pictures and to see his progress is amazing!  WOW.  He has grown so much since August and this unconditional love I have for this child flourishes daily.  

He's learned to suck on his fist (which I promptly replace with a paci as I'd rather have to ween him from a pacifier than his thumb down the road), scratches his head to pieces if those nails aren't trimmed, flail his arms around like a crazy person, I'd say 90% hold his head up on his own, loves his zebra toy, recognizes/laughs/coos at mom & dad, is on a great sleep/eat schedule and most recently, crib training.

The latter has been a tough few days.  We started the crib transition (refer to last post) 5 nights ago.  We decided to make the plunge since he starts daycare on Oct 24th and they enforce crib naps.  We read the books and asked other parents their tricks of the trade and with all of that information plus our own judgment, we went with it.

  **The first night was decent.  We were up every hour or so, but it wasn't the end of the world, although all 3 of us were exhausted.  30 minute "naps" every hour makes for an unhappy family the next day but it WAS the first day. 
**The second night was a disaster.  He screamed bloody murder from 10-1 unless we held him (and we would only let him cry for 5min before picking him up) so from 2-5 Shannon and he slept in the recliner and from 6-9 he slept in his swing.  F-A-I-L!
**The third night was much better.  I'd say I got up a handful of times either to soothe or feed him.  I'd lay him down somewhat awake with his paci, but stay in the room until he was asleep and remove the paci from his mouth. 
**The fourth night was almost perfect.  Shannon slept with him in the recliner from 9-11ish and he was put in his crib.  He woke to short feed at 3 and at 6 but technically slept in the crib from 11p-9a!! 

Tonight will be the 5th night...we've almost hit a week!  My fingers are crossed that by Oct 24th he will have adjusted to his crib and we drop the 3am feeding.  I currently feed him 6a, 9a, 12p, 3p, 6p 9p and 3a.....so dropping the middle of the night feeding will be nice, but my concern for the next week or so is adjustment.  I want him to feel safe and sleep well before taking away something that comforts him. 

Well here are a few comparison pictures:

1) 1 month old vs 2 month old

2) 2wk old bath (not a big fan)  vs 8wk old bath (loving it)
                                                          

Cam's first night transitioning into the crib....

Well, we made the jump.  Did we want to? Yes and No.  Did we need to? Maybe...maybe not.   No one truly knows the "best" ideal situation for a baby, moreless reading a book to explain to you about YOUR baby.  But, we've fallen into the "do what the book suggests" category and prepared ourselves for last night.

I actually love waking up to only sit up in bed and see my sweet sleeping boy making all of his precious gurgling and cooing noises in his swing, but I know he will sleep better once he sleeps through the night in his crib, as will mommy.   Last night we made the plunge to start the crib sleeping transition.   I fed him around 9pm (like always) and then Shannon took him into his room to prepare for bed (pajamas, read a book, rock a bit) and layed him down awake (as the books we've read says to do). 

Well...Well...Well.....can I just say it was 2am (when I fed him again and put him in the crib sound asleep) before he actually slept for a period longer than 20 minutes.  He would whimper, then he would cry, then it was full blown hysterical screaming.  We didn't let him "cry it out" for too long, especially when it was the screaming cry.  We took turns going into his room, trying to soothe him by rubbing his belly (which didn't really work) until he calmed down and then leave again.  From 9-2a, it was up and down, up and down, up and down for ole mom and dad!!   We also gave him his pacy (which the books say to not do) but it did soothe him (until he was almost asleep and it fell out, which then caused the screaming again...which is probably why the books say not to do it!! ha).    Finally, after a full belly and complete exhaustion at 2am, he slept until 6am.  I guess that's OK for Cam's first night in the crib.  

He looked so little and lonely in his big crib that doesn't have anything but him and his tiny cotton blanket.  I was so happy to see him this morning as if we went away for the night.  Also, why does a "bedding set" even come with a bumper if you aren't suppose to use it when he's this small nor when they know how to stand ...!?!?  What, is there a 1 month window where it's OK to use!?   What a waste!!!  And Cam loves to be warm and snuggle with his daddy.  So to put him in the bed with just a thin blanket is not his cup of tea.  Yes, I am fully aware of SIDS so I will abide by the "rules".   I just hope he adjusts within a week or so. 

It goes to show that you have to do what works best for you and your little family and not worry about what the books say to do.  So, thank you to all of those that have told me that!  They are there for a guide as are pediatricans, other parents and your own parents.  This is a part of parenthood that is trial and error.   I have to say it was not a complete success or failure, but simply walking down a bumpy, windy road, which I am happy to take that journey with him.  I am pleased, although a bit saddened.  I feel like he's growing up way too fast.  I can't believe next week is already 4 weeks from when I was suppose to go back to rotations.  Crazy I only have one more week at home.  

We'll see how the next few nights go.....

Look at that precious boy (8wk old) ....how could you not want to wake up to that!? ;oP
**Please ignore my voice, just stick with mute!

welcoming a new cousin for Cam....

On September 20, 4 weeks after Cameron was born on a chilly day in Lexington, but a hot day in Cabo, my brother got married.  I emphasize 4 weeks after Cam's birth, because we were not able to attend.  My heart was crushed when I found out the date.  I knew they had Cabo San Lucas, Mexico as their destination, but I also knew there was no way I could leave my newborn, let alone take him to Mexico.  I was so happy for Raymond and Clarissa, but so sad I wasn't there to share in the beautiful ceremony.  The pictures are gorgeous and I'm happy for my brother and new sister-in-law!!

Clarissa has a son, Hudson, who is 3yr old.  He is cute as can be and all boy.  He calls my dad- papa Ray and my mom- grandma Ray.  haha  I'm glad Cam will have a boy cousin just a few years older than he is to grow up with on my side.  He also has Shannon's sister's boys as well so all the boys will be somewhat close in age. 

Here are some pictures from their wedding.  Welcome to our crazy Smith family, Clarissa and Hudson!

Here are a couple pictures of Cam and Hud from this weekend when we went to Owensboro.

4 maybe I do like you.....

By the school's schedule, I am only 1 month behind because I started my rotations 3 weeks earlier than everyone.  So when I confirmed my return to clerkships for Sept 26th, knowing Cam would only be 6 weeks starting daycare, I was prepared.  This is something I've known about since I told the program I was pregnant.  I am such a type A, routine needed, planner that I knew I would be ready to return and I was right.  Not that I was ready to leave Cam or have him in daycare per sa, but I was ready for our routine that we would have and to return to my rotations solely because the sooner I return, the sooner I graduate.
WELL....... since the last of the pregnant girls finish in August, the program decided to inform us on 9/23 that the only make-up exam offered will be the August 10th time frame.   So for me, that would mean finish the program @ July 13th...wait a month to take the exit exam....then study/take the CME course (which is only offered Aug 22nd in the month of August that is close to KY) so another month would pass by the time I took my boards.  Too much time off spells disaster to me.    So if I take this month off (which I am now), I would "catch up" to the August graduation people and have another 4 weeks off with Cam.  

So cheers to this number 4 being 4 more weeks at home with cam-a-lam!  Maybe I'll work harder at the 4 hours of sleep considering he sleeps well and Shannon has been putting him down after his 9p feeding so I can get in bed an hour or so earlier!!

Another good thing that starts with 4--as of today I have 483oz of frozen breastmilk I've pumped for future use!!!!

On another note, I'm not sure how common this is for breastfeeding women, but for me it has happened three times in the last 3 weeks. I'm talking about clogged breast ducts!! OUCH! The first time it happened I was fairly certain I knew what had happened; whether that's my being in PA school, instinct, or what. What I wasn't certain on was how fast mastitis could set in. I confirmed I didn't have a fever, my breast wasn't warm to touch nor painful so I felt some relief when I called my OB to ask for advise. Heat (shower, compresses), massaging, nursing and pumping were the answer. Well, it worked!! For anyone that might have this happen, never fear.  Push through the tender pain of nursing and the odd feeling of your breast being hard as a rock. It goes away within 12-24 hours!! 

My big man at 5 1/2 weeks!

4...I loathe you!

I have always enjoyed my sleep.  I have always made sure to get 8 hours.  I have always been cranky if I didn't get 8hr of sleep and breakfast within 20min of waking. 

I have always.... 

Ohhh how I wish I could say I still get my 8hr of sleep.  I guess there's a reason why maternity leave is so vital because I am worthless throughout the day.  I have not gotten use to only getting 4 hours of interrupted sleep!  4 HOURS!!  Come on....who functions clearly on that amount!  Not this girl.  The thing is, Cam is a pretty good sleeper too.  It's the process that takes so much time. 

I feed him b/w 9-10p and pump...put him down (which he fights until 1130-12)...I feed him at 2a.. (so let's see....12-2 ..2 hours of sleep- check).....I'm up feeding/pumping/getting him back to sleep until 3-330a and feed him again at 6...(so 330-6 ....2.5hr of sleep-check)  then it's time to wake up and stay up at the 6a mark.  Fortunately, I have nothing to do so I can take another nap b/w 6-9a but once maternity leave is over...so is that extra 2hr or so. 

I am not sure how single mothers do it.    There are nights I want to scream at Shannon.  Cam is doing his restless best to fight going back to sleep after the 2am feeding and while I'm gently rubbing his back and rocking him from his room, I can hear Shannon snoring.  I'm sure his 8hr of non-interrupted sleep is wonderful.  

For example, the other night was one of those nights.  I fed Cameron around 9:30p and finished the process of pumping, burping, diaper change and getting him to sleep.  I carried him to his swing (which he's still sleeping in at night) and looked at the clock - 12:30a.  UGGGG, I climbed into bed already dreading the sound of my alarm that is set for 2am.  The sound came sooner than I wanted, I hastily climbed back out of bed to wake my little man to feed him.  It's now 3am, he's back to sleep and I'm laying him in his swing (mind you Shannon is sleeping through all of this) when Kneesa's belly started growling and she wanted to go outside to eat grass.  Instead, in the darkness of our bedroom, I hand pick the big pieces of the "good" dog food out of her bowl and lay it on the bed for her to eat.  (We bought a new kind of Science Diet that she doesn't like so I mixed it with a yummy cheap brand from Kroger which she does like. Yes- my dog is high maintenance.)   So here I am, exhausted from feeding Cam to only hand feed Kneesa afterwards.  I believe it was close to 4-4:30a when I finally layed down awaiting the next joyful sound of that alarm.    Now, don't get me wrong.  I remember laying down at 4:30 thinking I couldn't be happier taking care of both of my babies, feeding them and satisfying their needs.  I think I even smiled.  But to feel the pure exhaustion the next day is frustrating at times.  I can not function properly without an adequate amount of sleep and no amount of coffee can do the trick.  When will I adjust to never getting good sleep again!?  Aren't mothers suppose to magically adjust to the lack of sleep!?  Maybe that magic mother fairy forgot to sprinkle the "no sleep" dust on my pillow.

I look forward to the day we get to drop the 2am feeding.  I'm hoping at Cam's 2mo appointment the doc will say to drop that one......ohhhh "4" you are the ban of my existence right now.   Please double soon and I might like you again.  

Posting comments to blogspot...HELP

OK all you followers and ones I'm following on blogspot....I've tried to post comments to your pages....and I've even tried to post a comment in regards to someones comment on my page (ie Danielle) but it will not let me.  It makes me choose "select profile" and I clicked the google account because isn't that the account we had to make to use this!?   Then it says that account is not authorized to post....WTH!   

Am I choosing the wrong "profile"?   I am logged in already so I'm not sure why I even have to choose an account. 

Please help this "blogger" illiterate, baby brain person over here!!

1 month old

August 16.......it all began. 

September 16.....we've hit 1 month!!! 


I haven't posted like I would have wanted so I'm trying to catch up. I apologize if I ramble.

What a ride thus far!!  Ups, downs, lack of sleep, changes......but it all equals the amazement, love and awe I feel toward this child of mine.  There are nights I'm ready to crawl in a hole because I'm so sleepy and I just don't want to wake up but all it takes is looking at that precious face to make everything better.  The cooing sound he makes while he's eating or when he's full.  The grin and new laugh he has picked up this week.  The way he fixates his eyes on the windows.  His poor little baby acne that comes and goes and the cradle cap that I keep picking at.  His manly "farts and burps".....or should I say his poor GI tract.  It could be what his momma is eating so I feel bad for the little dude.  He will be so peaceful then all of a sudden burst out in a red faced, scream with his legs kicked out and his belly tight as can be.  He is one gassy baby!!!  I enjoy just staring at him quite frankly.  He's gotten bigger, his personality is slowly showing and he's one awesome little dude.  It's hard to even put into words how it feels.  He has his daddy wrapped around his tiny, long finger, Kneesa gives him kisses, and mommy is still amazed.

1) Audiology
So at the hospital the doctor came by the room (while Cam was still gone for his hearing test) and told him that he failed the test and although common, needs to be referred to an audiologist.  I sat there, stunned, as he walked out of the room.  Well 15 minutes later, in walks Cam with the nurse and I burst out into tears.  I was so upset and starting thinking of everything I might have done to have caused this hearing issue.  The nurse explained it a bit more saying he failed the right and passed the left...then they redid the test and he passed the right, failed the left.  She said it's very common in c-sec babies due to fluid.  I felt SO much more relieved after that.  Then the discharge nurse was my saving grace, she told me that she put "pass overall" because she wouldn't even consider him failing.  We still were referred and I was ready for that day to end.  I started to wonder if that's why he sleeps through Kneesa's barking and while we're out at restaurants and such.....Thank goodness the audiologist retested him via the same test done at the hospital before doing the ABR 1hr + long test.  He passed both immediately!!!   What a relief!!!!! So if anyone experiences this, please don't freak out like I did.  I truly thought I did something to cause my child to be deaf, and although it wouldn't have mattered if he was....the stress from worrying is now over!!!  

2) His first bottle
So my goal is to breastfeed until he's 1 year old...or at least have enough saved (frozen) to stop around 8 months and use the frozen until he reaches 1yr.  I feel like a feeding machine!!!  Every 3 hours I nurse him, then pump....which takes about an hour....everyday all day.  Goodness.  No wonder I'm 5 weeks postpartum and only have 3-4lb left to go to hit my pre-pregnancy weight.  I haven't worked out or dieted either!!  Well I didn't want to introduce a bottle (with breast milk) until we had to.  The books suggest 2weeks so last week I pumped a bottle for Shannon to feed him.  I have to say it felt odd not the one feeding him, but at least it gives me a bit more freedom in regards to timing out the day.  He took it well and actually eats about all 4oz....little chunky monkey!!!!

This is my last week at home.  I start rotations back next week and he goes to daycare, at 6 weeks.  Shannon wants me to take the 4 weeks off, but I'm ready for a routine and to finish up school.  I keep going back and forth on what I want. 

its crazy to think it all happened only 2wk ago....

Well, 17 days ago I delivered Cameron.  It's crazy to think it was only 2 weeks ago.  The changes, healing, growth, education, and trial and error that takes place in the first 2 weeks after birth is amazing.  I'm still not happy I had to have the c-section, but I know I will eventually get over it.   I feel much better though and at my 2 week OB appointment, I lost most of my 'baby weight'.  I only have 10lb left to get to my pre-pregnancy weight!! WOOT WOOT!   I have been cleared to drive and walk but I still can't run, workout or carry heavy objects for another 4 weeks.  To watch Cam from day 1 to day 17 ......he now pulls his hand to his pacifier to try and hold it in his mouth although it doesn't work yet, it's cute to see him learning.  He will also turn onto his side.  We also think he has officially graduated to size 1 diapers already!!  He is peeing out of NB diapers constantly....they look like they still fit but it seems abnormal that just about every diaper causes him to pee onto his clothing, bedding, and such while the diaper is still on.  We are moving up a size!! 

He is sleeping much better now.  I'm the one that has to wake him up to eat every 3 hours at night because he's sleeping so well.  NOW....let me say he's sleeping well if he's in his swing or if you are holding him.  The bassinet and crib is a no-go.  But at least he is sleeping.  We probably won't transition into the crib until @ 2 months. 

It's been great having Shannon home for 3 weeks as well.  The adjustment has been much easier.  He goes back next week, so we'll see how it goes with just me, Kneesa and Cameron.  I'm still planning to return to rotations on Sept 26th.  I'd love 1-2 more weeks..but not 4 weeks which is what I'd have to take.  Shannon thinks I should take the 4 weeks but I just don't see it being overly beneficial except for the fact Cam would be 10 weeks instead of 6 weeks going into a daycare. 

He is a big pooper.  He will fart loudly and constantly.  It's almost comical to hear him.   And his facial expressions are priceless especially while he's sleeping.  It will go from a smile to an angry face within seconds.  

Looking forward to cherishing the next 4 weeks at home with my little man!! 

Our birth plan we didn't have didn't turn out the way we planned....

Shannon and I decided we weren't going to take any prenatal classes, I didn't have time to read any books due to reading school books (Shannon did read 3-4 books though), and we didn't write out a birthing plan...nor did we really even discuss it.   I guess we knew that whatever happened during my pregnancy as well as labor and delivery was meant to happen.

  I say all of that because in my head, I knew what I wanted.  I hoped for a great pregnancy and I have to say I had one.  It was very easy all 40 weeks minus those first few weeks prior to knowing I was pregnant when I was getting those terrible stomach pains.  I never had any sickness, nausea, food aversions or any of that.  There was the discomfort of being 40lb heavier all in my stomach so this basketball was in my way in regards to  well but nothing to complain about and I had the occasional heartburn, but again nothing 2 tums or water wouldn't fix.  The swelling did bother me enough to complain, but it was more of a social complaint to talk about because it looked gross, more than bothersome in an uncomfortable way. 

Yes I will admit I thoroughly convinced myself I would have this child prior to 40 weeks because I did stay in shape, attended prenatal yoga weekly, walked Kneesa 2-3 miles a day, and ran 5K races every Saturday of the entire pregnancy (minus the very last race the doctor told me to walk because my blood pressure was creeping up).   Boy was I wrong.  HA.  Cameron loved being in his close quarters aka my belly. 

  I was told numerous times how easy of a delivery I would have due to being in shape and again, I convinced myself the labor and delivery aspect would go smoothly so no need to make a birthing plan.  I wanted a vaginal delivery, I wanted an epidural and I wanted a precious, healthy baby boy to show his face to the world.  Well, I got 2 of the 3 so I guess I shouldn't be upset about anything.   Cameron was not showing signs of making his appearance by 40 weeks and after Dr Butler did the fetal weight estimate saying he was around 8lb 5oz, he didn't want me to wait the 2 weeks after 40 to see if he came, SINCE I wanted a vaginal delivery so badly.   He scheduled me to be induced the Tuesday after my 40wk appointment.  He told me that induction increases the chances of having a c-section and given the fact that I was only about 40% effaced and my cervix was still posterior, I had a 50% chance of having a c-sec.  I understood that, but I guess I didn't prepare myself for it because I was still convinced that all would happen vaginally once the process started.  I did NOT want a c-section. 

So Monday, 8-15 we had to be admitted to the hospital at 8pm to starting the process.  I was given cytotec (to thin my membrane) at 10pm and again at 2am.  Tuesday 6am, I was given Pitocin to start the uterine contractions.   Dr. Butler was ready to break my water around 9am.  Well.....about 9:10...I was asking for the epidural.  I really thought I'd be ready for the pain and wait it out as long as possible.  But boy did those contractions increase 10-fold once my water was broken.   Shannon had to sit down because he felt sick after Dr. B broke my water.  I think it was more of the pain and facial expressions I was making versus the actual water breaking.   That didn't really hurt, it just felt like I was constantly peeing myself.  So I got the epidural (which I was nervous about getting) by 10am...and when he checked me I was only 1cm!!!!  OHHH Lordy!!  I thought I would have been at least 5.   But an hour later I was b/w 5-6cm.  So, here we were at 11am and at the half-way point of dilation.  I just knew this was going to go smoothly.  All of our family was in the room with us and it was quite easy, I felt nothing.  Well a few hours passed and I didn't move from the 6cm mark...so I started to get nervous Dr. Butler was right in regards to the c-sec.  But @ 2pm, they checked me and I was at 8cm so I was relieved and started to get nervous too.   (Let me add that my blood pressure never was good the entire time.....it was 168/100 when we got to the hospital Monday night--nervous I'm sure...and then it got up to 180/110 when the pain was bad before the epidural).   So at 3pm....the nurse said I hadn't really changed much.....4pm I was now b/w 8 and 9...and by 5pm she said I was at 9cm and with just a lip that wouldn't move but hopefully I'll be pushing by 5:30pm because she could feel his head and we were getting close so she was going to call Dr. Butler.  I was ecstatic!!!!!!   The family left the room because Shannon & I were going to be the only ones in there for the delivery.  The nurse walks in and says that Dr Butler wants to talk to me and would call but a c-section is high on the list right now.   I was now CRUSHED!!!   WHAT?   I was just told I would be pushing soon......I could feel everything inside me start to shut down....I wanted to scream, cry and go home....I didn't want this to happen.   The phone rings.....he says that when a woman hits 8cm...things should move quickly until its time to push but that mine has taken @ 3 hours and with the lip still present, he doesn't think it's going to happen.  He said he would call it failure to descent and given my high blood pressure, the fever that I got 2 hours ago (low grade) and the fact it's been a few hours at the 8-9cm.....he would go for a c-sec.  I could feel the tears and tried to blink them away...I asked what if we waited an hour...or a few...but he said his honest medical answer would be a c-sec due to the circumstances.  I did not want to make that decision.  I wanted someone else to tell me....but he couldn't.  I talked to Shannon...and he wanted me to make the decision as well.....but I could see the fear in his eye in regards to surgery.  I knew I had to tell the nurse my answer.......and I agreed to have the c-section.   Everything I wanted went out the door....I was so against this surgery.  I just wanted God's natural hand to take over and make Cameron come out.  They gave Shannon his clothing gear and started to wheel me to the OR.  The minute I was transferred to the operating table, I lost it.  I started crying uncontrollably.  This seemed like a failure to me and I'm not sure why but I just didn't want to have a c-sec for him to arrive.  Dr. Butler is a wonderful man and knew instantly what I was thinking and his exact words were "this is not a failure, you are not a failure, things happen and given how short you are, we knew it was a high probability you'd have to have one...just think about your precious baby boy you're about to have and if you have a smaller baby next time, I'd be OK with you having a VBAC"  and I KNEW he was right...I knew that the only thing that really mattered was holding Cameron and him being healthy.   I knew that.....but I couldn't help but be upset, mad, scared b/c I've never had a surgery .....they pumped me full of fluids and more epidural so then the shaking started.....so not only was I crying during the entire prepping process but I was shaking.  They bring Shannon in and I can barely see him because they wrapped towels around my arms and head to hold the heat in due to my shaking.  I didn't know if he knew I was crying at that point......but he held my hand the entire time.  Of course it only took 10 minutes for Cameron's arrival.  I knew the process, I've watched a few of them so I walked myself through what they were doing......and when I heard the cry, I burst out in tears again.  The overwhelming happiness of his arrival on top of still being upset about the c-sec and I'm sure hormones too.....  Well they took Shannon out of the room to the nursery with Cam while I was getting sewn up.   Shannon was crying in the nursery while they were doing all the tests on him and here I'm in the OR crying.     Lordy!!    What an emotional, yet awesome thing that just happened.  The birth of our child.     Dr Butler and the anesthesiologist hugged me and said encouraging words.  They were so great during the surgery.  Cameron Kenneth Hord weighed 8lb 2oz and was 20 3/4" long.  He was healthy, beautiful and wonderful!!!  He was our baby boy!!!

Things worth (or maybe not worth) remembering during our hospital stay:  
*the quick onset of painful contractions after my water was broke
*the effects of the epidural (not being able to lift my leg)
*my high blood pressure (my norm is usually 110/68)
*the awesome staff and service
*the csec experience- crying, shaking, feeling nauseous after he gave me some med, the towels around my head, the sound of Cameron's first cry
*the effects of one of the csec meds in post-op....Shannon & I heard a noise but didn't know what it was (coming from me) and low and beyond the nurse came in and I had pooped myself!  Awesome...here I have a csec and don't defecate on the table during delivery but instead I'm still completely numb and recovering and a nurse has to clean me up while I'm helpless on the bed
*the healing process of getting to 9cm in labor as well as having a c-section surgery

We were in the hospital until Friday afternoon.  The staff was awesome.  Today is Sunday and we are just trying to figure out routines, sleep patterns, and what we do and don't know.  It seems our boy has his days and nights switched.  He will sleep like a log for 2-3 hours increments easily during the day but once the midnight hour hits.....we're good to get him to sleep for 1 hour increments unless you hold him while he sleeps.  But to watch his facial expressions or to see him sleep peacefully on my chest....is a wonderful experience in our new world of parenthood.

 Kneesa is adjusting.   She was so excited to see us when we got home and just wanted to lick Cameron.  She still does but doesn't know her limits because she will pounce to get to him or try to walk on my belly which is too sore for that.  So we see her pouting a bit but she's curious and kisses him so that's better than ignoring or growling!!! 

 I hear of other girls being in labor for 15-22 hours and while that sounds terrible, I wonder and probably always will wonder ...what if.  What if I told Dr. Butler I wanted to wait it out.....would 5 more hours just caused stress on me and Cameron....or would I have delivered him vaginally by then?   Who knows.  No one does and no one will.  It bothers me still and I just don't know why.  Maybe because I'm still healing and I can't do much at home which drives me crazy.  It's hard to get on/off the couch/bed....I can't lift anything heavier than Cameron and I have to be easy.....so there goes my morning walks with Kneesa, playing tug with her, cleaning up the house.....UGGGGG.  I'm not one to sit around.  Shannon has been great during all of it and is doing everything he can...but it's hard with all this being so new to us, to Kneesa and to Cameron yet I'm useless for a few weeks. 

I'm still a bit numb right around my incision area.  I guess that's normal.  

I'll post a new blog with all my good pictures from Whitney once I get them.  She took belly, hospital and newborn pictures!!!! 

Sorry all the pictures below are in a crazy order.... Mommy, daddy, Cameron, Kneesa plus all his aunts and uncles and grandparents!